I was afraid to write about it, because the dreams feel so crazy, but I have dreams about her… about her doing what she wanted to do to me. Not that...I’m even clear on what that exactly is, but the dreams… I always wake up all… excited,’ she spoke this time in a rush, hurrying to get the words out before her courage ran out. Despite having seen me for more than two years she still felt a little squicky about talking about sex. It was kinda cute in the deep non-doctorish recesses of my mind. ‘It. It is a curse to those who give in and a blessing and privilage to those of us who survive. If you give in the process will stop and you will die. My love is with you, Michael………..’ I awoke in bed around ten that evening feeling as weak as a new born kitten and twice as hungry. God in heaven, my mind….all my senses… were sharper than a scalpel and more focused than an industrial laser. Graydon was sitting next to me with his eyes closed breathing deeply and appeared sound asleep. He seemed to. Momma raised me to be a traditional girl. That meant a guy had to earn his reward. And with the threat of AIDS and all the other sexually transmitted diseases going around these days, the passage of time only served to increase the sensibility of her advice.Now don't get me wrong! I'm not one of those fridged Catholic girls that Billy Joel sings about either; the type that remain virgin until marriage. I'm proud to admit I've had sex with a half-dozen guys over the years, and I really enjoyed. I was passive about my interest in teenage boys, even though the age difference left a little more grey area than it does for me now at forty-three. Passive, in that I imagined and fantasized and used the memories of boys and young men I saw or met to fuel a fire when my fingers danced between my thighs. I used my toys and pretended some handsome high school boy was sliding inside me. Those weren’t my only perversions, but they were my favorites.I married once in my thirties to a man who was a.
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